Humble readers of this blog, I have a question...

Have you ever felt a sudden urge to rip off your ears and beat yourself to death with them?

While this may seem like a strange idea at first, I believe it to be one of the few constructs of the human psyche to provide us with an instant (well, a slow and painful) relief from a noise so unthinkable, so paralytically horrifying that it hurts my tender, fragile eardrums just thinking about it. I am talking of course, about R&B sensation, Akon.

While some members of the Kielder may actually know what repeatedly smashing yourself with your ears feels like, I can assume that most of you don't. Well, in fact, you do. All you have to do is tune your DAB Digital Radio to BBC Radio 1XTRA, and wait for around the same length of time you do when listening to Kerrang, for "Rockstar" by Nickelback to unwelcomely knock on your door in the dead of night, sodden from head to toe, dying from the relatively unknown disease overplayedsclerosis (symptoms include a sudden and devastating loss of popularity), and you will inevitably hear the sound of a true R&B visionary cloud your senses with brilliance...

"I wanna make love right now now now, I wanna make love right now now now, I wanna make love right now now now, I wanna make love right now now now, I wanna make love right now now now, I wanna make love right now now now..."

That's right ladies and gentlemen, we are in the presence of genius. One man, one man stands alone (when I say alone, I actually mean surrounded by thousands of others) in his writing and composing talent bracket. One man has defied the odds to produce another multi-platinum selling album containing nothing but pure, unadulterated CRAP, which for some reason makes 14 year old girls across the globe want to "bop" up and down clubs all night screaming this shit into the ears of innocent, music loving people like you and me. It isn't fair, and I've had enough of it. 

I have one question. Why? Why is it that these retarded piss-heads enjoy listening to this rubbish? It can't be because of the melodic, thumping baseline and mind-numbingly repetitive synth. And it can't be because of the original, varied lyrics (note the sarcasm) discussed earlier. With these two reasons ruled out, I have come to the conclusion that people who enjoy this kind of music must be too wankered to either give a fuck, or understand that any sound is entering their ears at all. Or remember their own name, for that matter.

You think people downing shots all night every night next to the nearest speaker blaring out 1XTRA, "bopping" to Akon is unlikely? Well, so do I, but if you can think of any other reason why anyone would torture themselves by listening this complete and utter donkey dick, I'd like to hear it.

Over and out.